Nailing It

Lara explains how to get killer claws and why it’s so important to do so

Someone very wise once said; “It’s more important to look good than to feel good.”  (Confucius?) Let me explain. I think we’re all agreed that there are many tenets to live by but with this one it feels like never a truer word was spake ( lending credence to my theory that this phrase is Confucius as no texts actually written by him survived. Fact.  Other scholars wrote the great philosopher’s  “ Best of…” compilations posthumously - so it’s safe to assume his works were initially spread via word-of-mouth;  just imagine what use he could have made of platforms like Youporn? I mean Youtube. And maybe Youporn?)

In this dog-eat-dog world (Confucius?) where everyone’s out for themselves, it’s hard to keep on top of all the available personal grooming tricks so that you look far better than anyone else whilst still having enough time and energy to parade around showing off your fabulous self and ensuring you make no friends but instead stoke up a load of jealousy reassuring you you’re getting it exactly right.

In this blog, I’ll be sharing some of my tips to looking nauseatingly gorgeous even when you’re dead inside and the only thing stopping you from throwing yourself under a tube is not being able to get an electric wheelchair down the escalator (plus don’t they have plastic screens on the platforms now?) Do not expect to be popular when you’re looking hotter than Krakatoa on crack. Do expect dagger stares and no comments on your latest FB photos or status updates. Ironically, it ain’t pretty being pretty.

 In this photo you can't really see my nails but my point is, when the tips are tended to and overall perfection achieved, you attract all sorts of hanger-ons

I’m only sharing my tricks on how to leave the Joneses quivering in your wondrous wake because I’m quite sure I’m always a trick or too ahead of the pack. Don’t assume because I’m in a wheelchair, I do charity work. I’ll pulverise your Manolos with my Pirellis in a heartbeat in the incredibly unlikely scenario that they look better than my Louboutin knock-offs.

Today, I’m blogging about the importance of attention to detail and how if you don’t follow through on looking great, there’s no point in getting out of your PJs. And by PJs I obviously mean La Senza babydoll and thong. And by follow-through, I don’t mean having sex; although it’s fair to say in many instances, I do believe sex is the answer. However, in my Style-athon, following-through must be read as leaving no part of oneself, however seemingly insignificant or easy to hide under something billowing, untended to.

The first nugget of glamour gold I’m going to impart with you is to do with those furthest extensions of one’s physical self…one’s nails. Yes, for our tips, I have tips – two small words which will revolutionise those raggedy claws…nail wraps!

Now, hold your horses girls and gays, these are NOT the things you go to the local mani for like we did when acrylic nails were big in the 90s and we all had square-tipped talons with French mani varnish. No, these babies are what you buy online and get your carer to put on for you. Or you can put them on yourself if you have two fully functioning hands and are the type that can use a knife and a fork at the same time and are basically a bit of a show-off. These wraps are like a magic stickers that take mere minutes to size, stick on and trim and then, then, these babies will keep those claws looking like you’re fresh from the salon for two weeks non-stop! I $h!t you not! These bambinos are going nowhere! No chipping no-matter how downright dirty you get!

I know that for every girl, gay and guy that doesn’t mind putting on his girlfriend’s knickers now and again, this is a moment of liberation. Banished forever is that pit-in-your-stomach moment when on the second day of wearing Rimmel’s latest chip-free polish, you cast an admiring glance at your hand holding your latte aloft with pride only to see a colourful chunk’s escaped from your thumbnail. You vow that’s the last time you ever give those cosmetic racketeers £3.99, but then, a new varnish, a new promise… and the sorry cycle starts anew.

Fortunately for you, I’ve run the gamut of nail wraps and can tell you that however sparkly and shiny the mirror nail wraps appear on prezziebox.com and the like, they are little more than pieces of silver Sellotape and about as glamorous as wrapping your hands in tin foil. The only nail-wraps that will encase your fingertips in a fortnight’s worth of mesmerising lustre are by Incoco. Find ‘em online, buy ‘em and take gorgeousness to your extremes for 14 chip-free days.

Again, you can't see my nails, but this was taken on a recent shoot for "OK" magazine and you just don't get to be part of the OK glitteratti gang unless you look bangin' from tip to toe

Wow. I wish I had a friend like me. But alas, then we could never be friends!    

Do you have a particular style problem? Tell me, I may be able to help. And if you’re beyond help, I’ll be sure to let you know too.